Anniversaries of the Heart

“The holiest of all holidays are those

Kept by ourselves in silence and apart,

The secret anniversaries of the heart”

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I love the Longfellow quote about anniversaries of the heart and I've been thinking a lot about it this month as I've marked one of my own occasions that I have kept to myself. I've gone back and forth about whether or not I should write about it, but they say blogging is cheaper than therapy, so I finally decided, why not?

Bryan and I expected to be bringing a new baby home this month. A baby that, instead, we said goodbye to earlier this year. I never know how much I should say to other people about my miscarriage, but mostly it is because I don't want them to be uncomfortable. When people ask me if I want to have another baby, I simply answer yes. I don't say I want another baby more than anything--so badly I can taste it. I don't tell them the details about how my doctor wants me to wait at least a few more months before we even consider trying again or that at least once a week I do some quick math, counting on my fingers, to figure out how old Evan will be on the earliest possible date we could be bringing a new baby home. I don't mention how scared Bryan and I are that something could go wrong again. And I definitely don't mention the dates I am sure I won't forget.

What would have been my due date came and went at the beginning of the month. I thought about what I had planned to be doing that day, but I didn't break down and cry. But for some reason, I've been mourning the loss of the pregnancy completely over again this weekend. It could be because I got to spend a lot of time on Thanksgiving holding the sweetest little baby boy whose cheeks just begged to be kissed. It could be because on our drive home from Virginia Beach yesterday this sweet little old lady struck up a conversation with us. Her Alzheimer's, her son explained, led her to ask me no fewer than eight times if Evan was my only child. Each time I answered yes she told me I should have more and I shouldn't wait too long. It could be because last night we watched Juno--a cute movie about a girl who gives her baby up for adoption. Maybe it is all the Christmas preparations I've been doing and my subconscious can't help but remember that I thought there would be four of us on our Christmas card this year. Whatever it is, some tears have been falling!

I know time heals all wounds and that someday we'll either have a new addition to our family or, if that is not what is in store for us, we'll just simply love and adore the family we have. We are so blessed and lucky to already have our sweet little Evan. Even though he did decide to act up a little this morning, I now appreciate more than ever what a true miracle he is.

It is hard to know what to do with the anniversaries of the heart. There is no reason to be ashamed of them, but we don't really talk about them either. I know miscarriages are common, and in a way it is too bad we don't talk about them more often. Maybe if I had known more about how common they are I wouldn't have been so shocked when it happened to me, although I doubt I would have been any less sad.

I don't know why all of this has hit me again this weekend. It really makes no sense, but I guess that is just how those things go. So, if Bryan catches me being a little weepy, that is why. It is also the reason why I'll be showering Evan with a few more kisses than usual. And, to those of you who have little ones of your own, be sure to give them a few extra kisses, too. And, if anyone reading this is longing for a baby of her own, hang in there. I keep trying to remind myself we have no idea what the universe has in store for us. Although--some days it is easier to believe that than others.

(By the way--I can't get the spacing right on this post and I don't know why--so sorry for the paragraph breaks, or lack thereof).

Mini Photo Books

I finished a mini photo book this week!!! Yeah!!! Another project I can check off my to-do list! I made a couple of these last year for gifts and wanted to make more. This one has pictures of my mom's family on Christmas morning sometime in the 1950s. I love looking at the pictures and seeing what each person got for Christmas!

Here is the cover:

This is my grandma. You can't really see it in the photo, but she received new dishes and a purse.

The photo on the left is of my grandpa, who got a new gun. My Uncle Kenny is on the right. He received Army men, a truck and a jack in the box.

My mom is on the left. She is holding what looks like a bathrobe and she also received a new dress and a Buffalo Bill, Jr. book. My Aunt Norma on the right is holding a radio and received an Elvis record and some books.

My Aunt Nette received a baby doll, a stroller and a purse.

This is my Uncle Roy, the baby of the family. He got a football and some pull toys.

I always have fun making these books, even though they don't turn out as cute as I'd like them to! I hope the person I'm giving this to likes it. Shhh...it is a surprise!

Snowman Ornaments

My friend Sandy is so creative! She is in an ornament exchange club and she was nice enough to share pictures with me of the cute ornaments she made. She sewed all their little hats an everything. Aren't they adorable?

I promised her I would act surprised if I were lucky enough for one of these little guys to find its way to my tree! :-)

A Job Well Done

I finally got around to cleaning out our fridge last night. It is a job I always tell myself I am going to do every Tuesday night since garbage day is Wednesday, but in all honestly it is something that goes a few weeks before I get around to it.

Every time I clean out the fridge, I find myself asking the same three questions:

1--Why do I insist on saving the two tablespoons of tuna fish that are leftover after I make myself a sandwich? Every time I make a tuna fish sandwich, I have no more than two spoonfuls of tuna fish left. I don't want to put it on the sandwich because that would mess up my bread to tuna ratio. But, I can't just throw it away either, that would be wasteful and I wasn't raised like that. Nope--instead, I put the little bit that is left in a Tupperware container and tell myself I'll eat it on crackers the next day for lunch. That never happens. Instead that small container gets shoved to the back of the fridge and sits untouched for weeks until I clean out the fridge again.

2--Why do we have so many condiments and have any of them expired so I can justify throwing them away? I have a bottle of Italian dressing that I can toss out next month. But that Hoisin sauce I bought--looks like it will be around until 2010. It just seems wrong that you have to buy a whole bottle of something when you really only need half a teaspoon of it for a recipe you want to try.

3--What is this sticky stuff? I don't know how, but we always manage to have something that has left a sticky ring in the fridge and I can never quite figure out what it is or how it got there. Gross.

Now that the fridge is cleaned out I really should turn my attention to the pantry. On first glance I can tell I am going to be asking myself why in the world I have THAT much sweetened condensed milk and what I had planned to make with the can of coconut milk that is in there.

The Outtakes

On Saturday we all combed our hair and put on nice clothes to have our Christmas photos taken. My neighbor is starting a new business venture doing photos in your house, so she was nice enough to lug over all of her equipment and give us a free sitting. Well--I do have to make her a batch of sugar cookies to repay her, but it is basically free. She did such a great job and was so patient with Evan. Even the outtakes she captured are some of my favorite photos of us. Here are the photos that won't be making it onto our Christmas cards this year:

Doing the pictures in our house was so much better than trekking to the mall! My neighbor even promised to Photoshop out my laugh lines! You can't beat that!

Mommy Tag...

I got tagged! Missy tagged me, so here it goes.

1. What time do you wake up?
Earlier than I’d like—normally between 5:30 and 6:00. Except night before last, then it was midnight, 2 a.m. and then 6 a.m. It was a rought night!

2. On a good night, what time is your child in bed?
Between 7:30 and 8:00—it depends what time Bryan gets home, since he gets Evan all riled up before bed.

3. How long have you been a mommy?
Almost 21 months.

4. How old were you when you became a mom?
29

5. What is your favorite chore?
Isn’t favorite chore an oxymoron? I guess if I HAD to choose I’d go with doing the dishes.

6. What is your favorite meal to cook?
Pork chops, broccoli and cheese casserole and bread would probably be my three favorite things to make for a meal. However, I rarely make any of those things anymore!

7. What meal do you cook most often?
Chicken (Evan's favorite) and anything with noodles.

8. What are 5 things about being a mom that make you smile?
1-When Evan looks at me and lets out a string of syllables and then waits for an answer.
2-Watching how excited Evan gets when I turn football on for him.
3-Evan scratching my back for me.
4-Getting to splash in puddles again.
5-Reading Evan one of his favorite books.

9. If you could take your child anywhere, where would it be?
Disneyworld.

10. When was the last time you went out without your child?
I volunteered at Evan’s school last week without him—other than that, I think it has been quite a while!

11. What is your most heartbreaking moment as a mom?Holding Evan while the anesthesiologist put him to sleep so they could remove his hemangioma. Evan has another surgery coming up to correct a problem with his circumcision and I am certain that event is going to be the most heartbreaking moment I’ve had. I am not looking forward to it.

12. When was the last time you told your child "I love you"?
When I dropped him off at school this morning.

13. When was the last time you were told I love you?
This morning when Bryan left for work.

I tag Maquel and Tiffany...you're it!

The Sewing Machine is Winning

I spent several hours fighting with my sewing machine last night while working on some homemade Christmas gifts. I'm sorry to say the machine is winning as of this morning. I finally called it quits last night after several failed attempts to wind the bobbin. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing wrong, but I decided I'd start fresh after a good night's sleep.

The good news is that I did finish a couple of projects over the weekend. Bryan has (lovingly) forbidden me from buying any new crafting materials until I finish some of the projects I have going. Although I didn't say obey in my wedding vows, I typically tend to do it anyway. So, I'm hoping to get a few projects done this week while my writing is slow. Wish me luck!