Mommy Guilt

Like most moms I know, I feel guilty from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to bed. Guilt for going to work, guilt for feeling tired, guilt for not wanting to change a diaper, guilt for flipping on the Wiggles so I have time to get dressed, guilt for not being more creative or for not knowing what Evan wants when he points to his hand (which he seems to think means something). You name it and I’ll feel guilty about it. Like most working moms, I work because I need to work. We live in an expensive area where even our little house cost an arm and a leg and Bryan and I both have hefty student loans. I don’t work because I love it (although I am lucky that I like my job). I don’t work because I want to be a career woman. I work to help take care of my family. Even with paying for childcare, my job helps make ends meet. Believe me. We've looked at our budget and no matter how we slice or dice it, it is what it is.

One thing that has helped assuage my guilt is that we had a great nanny who lived with us and took excellent care of Evan. We were able to hire a live-in nanny for the exact amount we would have paid for daycare, so it was a win-win situation for us. Evan loved her and she loved him. You could tell from the way he would light up the minute she walked in the room. Our first nanny stayed with us for a year and then was ready to move home and finish school, which was what we had agreed upon ahead of time.

We hired a new nanny who started with us last week and all seemed to be going well. That is, until last night after dinner. The nanny came up to chat and started off with, “I need to be totally honest with you.” I thought it was going to end with something along the lines of, “He hit his head today but he is totally fine.” Or even, “He swallowed a nickel, but he didn’t choke on it.” I don’t know what I expected, but somehow in all the things she started rambling off, I was able to finally figure out that she was quitting. After one week. I was shocked. After Evan was asleep I talked with the nanny more and the ensuing conversation made me realize she needed to leave immediately and shouldn’t be left with Evan. I don’t think she has done anything to physically harm him, but I do think she hasn’t been as attentive with him as she should have been.

So, the nanny is leaving on Thursday and this is one of those times when I really miss having family close. I’m taking vacation time for the rest of this week and will wrap up some projects while Evan is napping and after he goes down for the night. I don’t feel like it is fair to leave my boss in a bind just because I am in one. And, the hunt for new childcare is beginning again. It took us months to find this nanny. I’m sure we’ll get it all smoothed out eventually, but it is all so upsetting! My mom is coming to watch Evan next week and my father-in-law offered to come the week after that. But, clearly our parents can’t fly out every other week. Not to mention the fact that Evan is going to WEAR THEM OUT. I’ll keep you posted!